


The World is a Never-ending Song

by Shir0_Tamaya



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Disability, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Learning Self-Acceptance, Romance is there but it’s not the focus, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, not really angst but kinda angsty I guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22428721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shir0_Tamaya/pseuds/Shir0_Tamaya
Summary: “For an idol to do something like this is strange, but if my words can help or inspire even one person, then all of this effort will be worth it.”—Maruyama Aya
Relationships: Hikawa Hina & Maruyama Aya & Shirasagi Chisato & Wakamiya Eve & Yamato Maya, Imai Lisa/Maruyama Aya, Maruyama Aya & Shirasagi Chisato
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23





	The World is a Never-ending Song

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thundercracer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thundercracer/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something for you thundercracer for all the wonderful fics! I’m finally writing something with Aya in it thanks to you! I had been meaning to do more with her, but I never got the chance. However, now I’m determined to do this!  
> I hope you like it!  
> Note: This is all from Aya’s POV  
> I do not own anything from BanG Dream! All credit for the lines used from the game goes to the creators.

**_For most of my life, my dreams were plagued with that one day from my childhood._ **

**_My family and I had gone to the countryside to visit my grandparents. Wanting to go on a picnic, I begged my parents until they agreed to take me on one._ **

**_The weather was perfect. The sun shined brightly with a few clouds dotting the sky. The grass swayed to the beat of the wind. I grabbed my straw hat with one hand as the breeze ruffled my white dress._ **

**_Humming along to nature’s melody, I ran ahead, twirling, jumping and skipping in the golden fields. A grin was plastered to my little face as I excitedly anticipated the activities of the picnic._ **

**_It was always at that part I awoke._ **

**_That dream haunted my life for years and years. As I child, I’d wake up sobbing after having it. However, as I grew older, all I felt from it was a small ache in my chest._ **

**_It didn’t seem like a nightmare. In normal circumstances it wouldn’t be._ **

**_Yet for me, it was a painful reminder of the downward spiral in my life._ **

**_On the day of that picnic, where we should of enjoyed sandwiches and bentos underneath the bright blue sky, gazing at the passing clouds, talking and laughing together, my happy little family found ourselves at the hospital._ **

**_My vision had never been good. It wasn’t something my parents had found strange. My mom was the same way, having worn glasses since she was my age, and my dad needing glasses in middle school._ **

**_However, I wasn’t the same._ **

**_With one blink, the world turned blurry._ **

**_And with the next, everything disappeared into black._ **

—————

My eyes slowly fluttered open and I groaned, wishing deep down I could sleep in. Taking a few moments to wake my body up, I sat up in bed with a yawn. The beeping of my alarm continued to echo in the my room as it screeched the time at me.

“I hear you I hear you, geez,” I muttered, hitting the button on the clock.

“And the top idol finally awakens from her slumber!” A voice greeted, my bedroom door creaking open.

“Daaaaaaaaaad stop,” I whined. “I’m not an idol yet, I’m still in training.”

“You will be the top idol one day! I can already see the headlines,” He laughed, picking me up into his arms and spinning about. “Maruyama Aya, Japan’s Top Idol Taking the World By Storm!”

“Dad stop it~!” I giggled, playfully punching him. He dramatically cried out in pain, stumbling backwards.

“Oh, she got me! I think... I think I’m on my last breath!”

“You two better not be messing around up there! Onee-chan still needs to get ready and you need to leave Dad!

“Look like Koharu found us out.”

“Doesn’t she always?”

My dad set me back on my bed, ruffling my hair. “I’ll see you after work Aya, have a great day sweetie.”

“You too Dad,” I smiled as he kissed my forehead.

He ran out of the room, hurrying out the door. I could hear my little sister, Koharu, scolding him again, but I could tell she had a smile on her face.

“Koharu’s smiling face... I wonder what it looks like now...”

My own smile disappeared as I bit my lip, cursing myself for thinking that way again. I tried my best to think positively and not focus on things relating to my condition. However, there were moments like this where I slipped up.

I touched a finger to my cheek and felt dampness. Slowly but surely, the tears began to trickle down. I buried my face into my knees, quietly sobbing.

I wanted someone to save me. I wanted the pain to end, but it was impossible. I didn’t live in the same world as they did. My existence was isolated from them. No matter how much I explained to them, they wouldn’t understand what it felt like to be in my world.

“I... I want to see them... I want to see their smiles... I want to... to see the sky again... and... the grass... I want to see color... and light... and... and...”

I choked on my words, gasping as another cry escaped my quivering lips. However, I quickly ceased my cries at the sound of my little sister’s footsteps heading up the stairs.

I furiously wiped at my face, trying to eliminate any trace of crying. I prayed silently that I had gotten everything as the door creaked open.

“Onee-chan I’ll help you get dressed and-huh? What’s wrong Onee-chan?”

“Nothing’s wrong Koharu...” I whispered.

_Stop, please don’t ask._

“Are you sure...? Your eyes are all puffy. You were crying, weren’t you...?”

A growl rumbled in my throat. “I said I’m fine Koharu.”

_Damnit, please just stop. Just leave me alone._

“Onee-chan, please, you-“

“ Koharu! ” I snapped.

My little sister yelped at my raised voice. I could feel the muscles in my face contracting, my brow furrowing as anger seeped into my expression.

Silence weighed on the room. My sister didn’t dare speak after an outburst like that. Meanwhile, I was out of breath from simply yelling.

I knew I was in the wrong. As quick as my temper came, it faded away, leaving me with a puddle of guilt. I shakily opened my mouth, my mind still trying to decide on what to say.

_‘I’m sorry Koharu. I’m so sorry.’_

_‘I didn’t mean to take my frustrations out on you.’_

_‘Can we talk about what happened?’_

_‘Please don’t hate me.’_

“Can you help me get dressed?” was what I decided to say.

“S-Sure...” she stuttered, stumbling steps following after.

A bitter taste was left in my mouth. I had been a coward for yelling at her and a coward for not apologizing. All it would take to apologize to her, was to reach out and say the words ‘I’m sorry.’ And yet, my hand remained frozen at my side. However, it wasn’t my cowardice nor my guilt that left that kept me frozen; it was the relief that lingered in my heart. It was the relief that I didn’t have to see the pain I had inflicted upon her. It was that relief that slowly convinced my mind I wasn’t guilty for what I had just done. As long as I couldn’t see her pain, I held myself less and less accountable for my actions.

I bit my tongue.

“I’m disgusting.”

—————

“Hey Aya, what high school are you thinking of going to?”

“...”

“Aya?”

“...”

“Earth to Aya, do you copy?”

“...”

“Maruyama Ayaaaaaaaaaaa~!”

“... H-Huh...?! What did you say?”

“Geez, you’ve been spacing out all day, is everything okay?” My friend, Imai Lisa asked, worry laced in her voice. I could only imagine what kind of face she was making.

“Sorry, I just had a bit of a rough morning. I... kinda snapped at my little sister,” I sighed, shooting her an apologetic smile.

“Really? You’re not one to really get mad and Koharu isn’t the anger-fuel type .”

“Yeah, but it still happened...” I groaned, bringing my forehead down against my desk. “Ugh... I feel terrible...”

“C’mon Aya, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“No, it really was.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“I’m serious here.”

“So am I,” She replied with a huff. “Look, you’re the type to overreact to situations-hey, don’t give me that look.”

I hid my head away again to hide my scowl. She was right and it frustrated me to no end to hear it.

“Anyways, I’m sure if you just explain why you got mad, I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”

“I’m tired of having to apologize all the time...” I mumbled, burying my face further and further into the hard surface. “All I’m ever doing is apologizing to my family. I’m just... a terrible person.”

“Now hold on a second,” Lisa said, a hand grasping my shoulder. “You’re the nicest girl I know, probably even too nice if I’m being honest. You always take responsibility for your actions and you always put others before yourself. There’s no way you’re a terrible person. If you are, then everyone’s a demon!”

I looked up to my friend. Her smiling face, gentle eyes, even the hand soft hand that held my shoulder—they were only things I could picture with my imagination. I wanted so desperately to see what she looked like in that moment, from the way her gaze was directed to the color of her painted nails. But, despite the fact I couldn’t, the gesture filled me with warm comfort.

“Thanks Lisa-chan,” I murmured, lifting my head up and nuzzling her hand.

She chuckled, using her free hand to gently pet my hair. “Heh, now there’s our Maruyama Aya~”

She let me rest there for a bit, continuing her comforting gestures. It was amazing how quickly she could get a smile from me. Bright, caring, kind, humble, energetic, empathetic—she was truly some kind of super mom.

“Hehe~ You’re so warm Lisa-chan~” I drunkenly giggled, pressing myself further into her hand.

“And you’re a real cuddle bug Aya~” She said as she ruffled my hair. “As much as I’d be perfectly happy just doing this for the rest of lunch, I would like to know what your plans are for next year.”

“Ah yeah... I was thinking of going to Hanasakigawa actually. It’s closer to home and the agency...”

“Awww, really?” She sulked, releasing me from her warm grasp. I whined indignantly for her to come back, earning me a gentle flick in the head for being clingy. “I guess that means we won’t be able to see each other at school anymore, I’m sticking with Haneoka after all.”

“Yukina-chan?”

“N-No!”

_Very convincing Lisa-chan._

Minato Yukina was Lisa’s childhood friend, and the two were rather close. Every day after school, they’d walk home together, although, more recently the two had stopped doing so. Apparently Yukina wanted to devote more time to singing, so she went to the live houses instead of walking home. When Lisa told me, I could tell she was rather down about the whole thing, but she brushed it off with a laugh and said she was perfectly okay not having to be a mother hen 24/7. That never did stop her from clinging to the girl.

“Are you sure it’s not Yukina-chan~?” I teased, seizing opportunity.

“W-Well... I... um... I like it here at Haneoka and uh...”

I burst out laughing as my friend sputtered for words. She was always such a tease, yet she could never take it herself. It was cute to see her go from slyly messing with someone, to whining in embarrassment.

“Do you liiiiiike her~?”

“Of course I like her! She’s my best friend!” She puffed with pride.

_Lisa-chan... I can’t tell if you’re avoiding the question, or if you’re legitimately that dense..._

—————

I was in a better mood, but my nerves were still there.

I had one hand on the doorknob, the other holding my white cane. I really didn’t need it for traveling to school and back since I memorized the entire area, but both my dad and little sisters had insisted. If they saw me without it, I was certain they’d have heart attacks.

I took in shaky breath. I still hadn’t figured out what to say to Koharu beyond ‘I’m sorry for being such a terrible sister’ and ‘Please forgive me.’ Neither of those even sounded great. It almost seemed more effective to do  _dogeza_ . My sincerity would be evident and humbling myself to that level was the least I could do for all the stress and pain I put her through.

“You can do this Aya... you can... I know you can... just-“

“Onee-chan?”

“EEEEEEK!!!”

I whirled around in alarm and slammed myself into the door in the process. I would’ve fallen face first into stone if it wasn’t for Koharu. Her hands immediately wrapped around my arms the moment my weight started shifting downward.

“I-I-I’m sorry Onee-chan! I didn’t mean to scare you! Are you okay? You’re not hurt right?” She said frantically, moving around me as she was most likely examining for injuries.

I gently patted her hand. “I’m fine Koharu, don’t worry. I just bumped into the door that’s all.”

“But what if you broke something on accident?! Oh god, if the people at the agency saw bruising they’d be so-“

“Whoa whoa slow down,” I interrupted before she could say anything more. “If I have any bruising, my clothes will cover it, and besides, they wouldn’t be upset at all. Lots of people get bruises or injuries from training. And I certainly didn’t break anything from just bumping into a door.”

“But-!”

She sounded like she was in near tears. It was funny how alike we were sometimes. She was much more relaxed and calm than me, but whenever something bad happened, she’d be sent into such worry and panic that you felt anxiety yourself. I was used to it from my own experience with anxiety and helping Koharu through her own.

I pulled my little sister into a hug, petting her soft hair. She tried to break free but I simply held her closer.

“You were worried about me all day, weren’t you?”

She said nothing, but I felt her head bob up and down against my chest.

“I figured as much... I’m sorry for always worrying Koharu, and I’m especially sorry for snapping at you this morning. I have no excuse for my behavior. I hope you can forgive your terrible older sister, even if she doesn’t deserve it.”

“Don’t say that Onee-chan! You’re not terrible at all! You’re not...” she sobbed. “You go through so much everyday... I can’t do enough for you... and I never try to understand you or what you feel and think, and yet... and yet I try to push myself into your life when I don’t know a thing! The one who needs to apologize is me, not you!”

“Koharu...”

“I’m sorry Onee-chan! I’m sorry for pushing you so much! I’m sorry for prying into your life without understanding it! I’m sorry for... for-!”

I squeezed her tightly to me, her hot tears staining my uniform. I could tell I was crying myself, but my tears didn’t matter. All that matter was her. All that mattered was that she stopped crying and shaking so much.

_ I won’t let you cry. I won’t let you tremble. I won’t let you feel this pain again. Never again. _

“It’s okay Koharu, it’s okay. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s okay, it’s okay...” I murmured between sniffles.

She wailed louder, clinging to my jacket as if it was the only thing keeping her alive. “Onee-chan... Onee-chan...!”

_I refuse to make you cry again._

_I swear that on my life._

”It’ll be okay... I promise... one day... everything will finally be okay...”

_You’ve suffered enough._

_Dad has suffered enough._

_And maybe one day..._

“Don’t cry Koharu... please don’t cry...”

_... my pain can finally end._

—————

I dreamed of my mom that night.

Maybe it was the tearful breakdown my sister and I had that triggered it, or maybe it was because my dad came home with that weary smile of his, but whatever it was, it reminded me of her.

My mom’s face was one I could barely remember. The last time I saw her face was when I was a small child. The color of her eyes, the shape of her nose, the length of her hair, the widened of her smile—they were all distant memories that were, unfortunately, fading quicker by the years.

However, there was one thing I’d never forget: her voice.

In her younger days, she had wanted to be the singer of a band, but was forced to abandon that dream due to her declining health. Even so, she never stopped singing. She’d sing while she cleaned the dishes, made dinner, did the laundry, walked me to school, so on and so forth.

Sometimes it was simply random humming, melodies that just popped into her head. Other times, my mom would sing to the songs on the radio or TV. Every time I heard her sing, I’d close my eyes, smiling to myself as I bathed in her voice. Her singing was smooth like silk, sweet like honey, and as beautiful as the stars in the sky.

I fell in love with that voice, and because of that love, I promised my mom that I’d become an idol.

I had already dreamed about becoming one from watching Marmalade on TV. Their cute songs and dances filled me with energy, and their words gave me strength. However, it was just a passing daydream, not a goal I was planning on working on.

However, when I found my mom’s old notebook, I realized I wanted to make music my life.

I had learned that my mother wasn’t just determined to sing, but also to write her own music. The worn notebook was chalked full of song lyrics. Some pages had short notes, many were crossed out with many scribbles, and a few of them had complete songs with a score.

That notebook was like a sacred treasure to me. My mom was surprised I had found it considering she had hid it away in the attic, but seeing as I enjoyed reading it, she didn’t take the notebook away. So, I spent most of my time at home, hours on end, flipping through the pages and humming a Marmalade song.

I loved all of my mom’s songs, but there was one in particular I had been taken by. The song was called ‘Mahou.’ There was completed guitar tabs and lyrics, as well as various scribbled notes about how to play and sing certain parts. It was the only song in the book that looked fully completed.

My curiosity had gotten the best of me and I had. asked my mom to sing one of the songs to me. When I pointed to ‘Mahou,’ her face became unreadable. Her hand had trembled as she traced a finger across the page. Out of worry, I told her she didn’t have to, but shook her head and weakly smiled at me, saying she’d play the song to me before I went to bed.

The first time she played it, it came out a bit clumsy. After all, she hadn’t touched an acoustic guitar in a long time. However, after a few more nights of playing it, her fingers remembered the old tune.

‘Mahou’ became my new lullaby. I’d sit on my bed, an eager smile on my face as my mom sat beside me with her old guitar slung on her shoulder. I’d snuggle into her arm as the sound of her singing lulled me to sleep.

It had the most soothing melody, but I could tell the lyrics were somber, even if I didn’t understand their meaning. I didn’t need to see the imagery when my mom‘s faded eyes clouded over with sadness.

‘Why do you look so sad when you sing this song Mama?’ I had asked her one night.

She had simply given me a weak smile and said ‘It holds many memories. You’ll understand more when you’re older sweetie.’

I had wanted to pry further, but the expression on her face made me shy away. At that moment, my mom’s shoulders seemed to sag more; her smile seemed strained; her skin seemed to grow deathly pale; her hand trembled terribly. She looked like glass, the smallest touch able to make her shatter.

So instead, I had said:

‘I’m gonna make your music famous! I’ll definitely be a singer!’

‘Aya sweetie, your dream should be what you want. You shouldn’t force yourself to fulfill my old dream,’ she had replied with a guilty smile.

But, I had shaken my little head furiously in response.

‘It is my dream! I wanna become an idol like Ayumi-chan from Marmalade! They all sing songs, right? And cuz I love your music, I‘ll sing your songs and make your dream come true too! Is... is that okay?’

She had studied my face, as if trying to see if I was being serious or not. After a few minutes of silence, she had let out a sigh, ruffled my hair as her lips curved up ever so slightly.

‘As long as you’re happy, it’s okay.’

‘Yay! Then, promise me you’ll get better and be at my concert when I sing your song?’

‘Only if you promise to become the kind of idol you want to be,’ she had chuckled.

With a grin, I had replied, pinky finger held out, ‘I swear I will! It’s our promise!’

‘Yes, it’s our promise,’ she had said, linking her pinky finger with mine.

Five months after we made that promise, I lost my sight.

Then, not even a month after, my mom died because of her illness.

I had been devastated. I had been robbed of everything. I was more exposed than if I had been stripped of all my clothes. My heart was on display for everyone to see, and meanwhile I was trapped in the dark, unable to defend myself against their gazes. My beloved mom couldn’t protect me anymore. She was gone, along with our promise. I wasn’t even able to see her face one last time before she died.

The only thing I could remember was how she appeared when I asked her that question about ‘Mahou.’

It was that ghostly figure that haunted my mind, slowly moving away from my reach as my eerie lullaby echoed silently in the backdrop.

—————

It was a struggle trying to be a blind idol, but I always did my best.

The agency had been reluctant to let me even train to become one. Even now, I was still looked down upon for my disability. However, after lots of asking, convincing and unfortunately begging, they had finally let me into their program. Now, I was two years into training, aiming for year three.

A good amount of the staff were impressed by how much I was able to do despite not being able to see. It was certainly rocky at the start. I kept getting lost the first few weeks in the agency since I hadn’t become accustomed to the environment yet. I tripped over cords, wires, lamps, people and even my own feet. My singing lessons were always difficult and learning to dance was a nightmare. Considering I had no way to visually see a representation of what I should look like, I had to go off of my own imagination. In turn, I looked like a fish out of water (that’s what I felt at least).

I‘d been terrified after the first week that the producers and managers would revoke my contract. They had plenty of girls in the agency, so getting rid of one measly trainee wouldn’t hurt them in the slightest. Besides, who’d _want_ to deal with a blind disaster?

However, my dance and singing coach didn’t give up on me. Every time I wavered about staying, they’d begin working me through the motions with the fiercest expressions in their faces. I learned later that they admired my determination to become an idol even though I couldn’t see a thing. I inspired them to work harder than ever before.

My dance coach had said ‘I want to the star dust coming off your shoes as you light the stage up with your moves Aya.’

My singing coach had quickly chimed in, saying ‘Your voice is a diamond in the rough. I want to see the day when it’s been polished to perfection.’

Needless to say, I had sobbed my eyes out at their kind words.

“Alright, one more time!”

I tossed my water bottle to the side, and sprung up from the floor. Remote in hand, I pressed play and the music began again.

My final exam for my second year in training was coming up soon, so I had devoted the last few months to train for it. My singing was much more stable and I desperately hoped my dancing didn’t make me look like a flopping fish.

This exam would determine if I could train for the final and third year. If I did well enough, I’d have a chance to debut as an actual idol. And if I was super lucky, I could get scouted before I had to graduate. I doubted that would happen, but I didn’t eliminate the idea.

However, that future was all dependent on this examination score.

My want to become an idol, my desire to inspire others and to give smiles, my wish to bring people the same joy I felt when my mom would sing to me—those dreams kept me going.

I was going to pass that exam. I was going to become an idol.

I’d fulfill my promise to my mom, even if she wasn’t here anymore.

I’d make sure she’d see me shining on stage even in the afterlife.

_ Can you see me Mom? _

_ Your little Aya isn’t so little anymore. _

_ I’m working hard to become an idol. Even though I’m blind, I haven’t let it stop me. I’ll become the kind of idol I’ve always wanted to be. And then, I’ll finally sing your song. _

“No more running Aya. No more hiding from Mom. I need to see this through to the very end,” I murmured to myself, my hands shaking ever so slightly.

_ Will you be watching me on that stage? _

_ Will you be listening to me sing? _

_ Will you smile when you hear your song? _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... _

_... will... _

_... will you be proud of the person I’ve become? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I was going to make this a one shot, then I realized I was going to have way too much content if I made it a one shot, so now it’s going to have multiple parts. Not sure how many but at the very most I’m expecting 5 parts?  
> We’ll see


End file.
